Barely Breathing
by EveRubyRed
Summary: Kurt responding to Santana being outed.My first fic, not sure how good it is. Reviews are always helpful. I have had this in my head for a while and just wanted to get it down. I'll continue if asked but if not I'll probably just leave it. You can also message me at rubysrocket.tumblr


"I think I know why you're so good at tearing everybody else down. It's because you're constantly tearing yourself down because you can't admit to everybody that you're in love with Brittany, and she might not love you back. That must hurt, not to be able to admit to everyone how you really feel. You know what I think you are? A coward. See you at the mash-off."

Santana couldn't breathe. She was literally having trouble getting air into her lungs. Her chest was doing this weird constricting thing that she had never felt before. It felt like a balloon that wouldn't expand any bigger than the size of an egg. Her whole body felt like it had been doused in ice water. Everyone was looking at her. She had to move. She couldn't just stand here frozen. She finally willed her legs to move and ran into the nearest bathroom, which happened to be the unisex one, slammed the door short, shoved the little metal latch into the slot. She stumbled towards the sink suddenly feeling nauseous, gripping the chipped marble edge so hard her knuckles turned white. She pressed her forehead to the dirty mirror, it felt cool on her pounding head as she tried to get control of her breathing.

"Hey San" Mercedes called at the back of the retreating head that she could have sworn was Santana.

"Santana!" Mercedes called even louder. The girl continued running and disappeared into the bathroom. Mercedes stopped and frowned in the direction of the girl. She made her way to the choir room, promising to meet Sam there for a lunch date. She found Finn, Rachel, Kurt and Sam goofing around. Kurt was playing around on the piano, playing some silly party tune. Rachel and Finn were dancing, attempting to twirl and spin each other, Sam was laughing with his chair tipped back.

"Hey have you guys seen Santana?" Mercedes asked from the doorway.

"Nope" Kurt replied, continuing to skim his long fingers over the keys.

"Sorry, I haven't" Sam said, laughing at a particularly bad tumble that Rachel took.

"I really need to ask her about changing one small move for the mash-off today" Mercedes said exasperated, pulling out her phone to text Santana. Finn stood up from attempting a twist he had failed, and looked guiltily at Mercedes. He looked down, suddenly fascinated with the buttons on his shirt. He started playing with them. Twisting and pulling at them.

"I may have said something about her being in love with Brittany and lying about it to everyone. he shuffled his big feet. I may have called her a coward.

"You did what" Kurt said in an icily calm voice, taking his fingers off the piano, spinning around on the bench fully, to face Finn. Finn snapped his head up at the change in tone and looked at Kurt. He looked away guiltily.

"You didn't hear her Kurt, she was saying the nastiest stuff about me, about how I have boobs and..." Kurt slammed the lid on the piano down loudly and stood up, glaring at finn.

"Should...should I go get brit or..." Mercedes piped up uncertainly.

"No" Kurt replied forcefully, still glaring at Finn.

"I'll go. I'll deal with you later" Kurt stomped from the room, leaving Rachel and Mercedes still gaping at Finn.

"San" Kurt called through the heavy wooden door. He wrapped his knuckles on it softly and called again.

"Santana, sweetie can you let me in?" It was lunchtime so Kurt was thankful the corridor was basically empty except for a few stragglers.

"Santana, please" Kurt pleaded, pressing his forehead to the door.

"I just want to help. I'm here ok? I'm not going anywhere. I know what your feeling and I promise you can get through this but you can't do this alone" Kurt pressed his ear firmly to door, trying to listen. He heard shuffling and than felt the door knob starting to slowly move. Kurt stood back and looked at the broken girl before him. Her usually flawless hair was some what flyaway and slightly frizzed. Here eyeliner and mascara was smudged.

"Oh Santana" Kurt said softly.

"Kurt...I...having...trouble...breathing" Santana choked out, clutching her chest and trying to draw in a breath.

"Oh god, Santana, Santana" Kurt exclaimed, snapping out of his sympathetic gaze. He grabbed on to arms and walked her back into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him with booted foot. Santana was doubled over still trying desperately to breathe. "Santana, Santana listen to me, your having a panic attack ok" Kurt said calmly, almost as if he were talking to a kindergartner. He lowered her to the ground with him, gripping her shoulders firmly.

"I used to get these all the time after my mom died, kinda feels like your having a heart attack right?" Santana nodded her head franticly.

"Ok, Ok look at me, look at me Santana" Kurt said firmly tilting Santana's chin up to look him in the eyes.

" Whenever I had an attack, my dad would hold me and rub my back until it went away. I'm going to do that for you now ok?" Santana's eyes widened and she nodded her bed, a squeaky noise coming out of her mouth. Kurt crossed his legs and pulled the latina girl onto his lap, wresting her head on his shoulder. He unzips the back of the girls cheerio uniform just enough so he can slip his hand in and place a calming palm to her overheated skin. Santana's torso is still rising and falling violently in his lap as she tries to get air into her lungs.

"Shhhh Santana just relax" Kurt says soothingly, starting to move his palm slowly in a circular motion over the small of the girls back.

"Just breath honey breath. In through the nose, out the mouth, that's right" he continues, widening his circular motion.

"small breaths, little breaths ok? try to get back into your body. I'm right here San i'm not going anywhere. The two stay like that for a good 12 minutes, Kurt rubbing her back soothingly and reminding her of the breathing pattern. Soon, Santana's breathing is back to normal as she stills in Kurts lap. Kurt slowly stops rubbing her back, removing his hand from the back of her cherrios uniform and zipping it back up. Santana lifted herself off of Kurts shoulder and slid off his lap.

"You ok sweets?" Kurt asks with concern in his eyes, searching Santana's face.

"I'm fine" Santana says attempting to sound confident. She looks away from Kurt, not wanting to see the look of pity in his eyes.

"No your not" Kurt says simply.

" Your no where near fine" Santana looks down at the tiled bathroom floor as tears fill her eyes agian.

"I'm so scared Kurt. I'm just so scared all the time". Her frame is shaking from crying so hard and Kurt guesses she is still cold because her teeth are chattering. Panic attacks used to make him feel frozen to the bone. He slips his Alexander Mcqueen cardigan off and slides it over Santana's shoulders.

"I'm gonna stay with you okay? I'm just gonna sit here with you for as long you need. "Kurt I don't...I can't..." Santana blurted out.

"We don't have to talk San" he said calmly. I'm just gonna be with you. Just sit with you ok?" Santana nodded as Kurt gathered her up to hug her again. The two just sat there on the floor of a less than clean public school bathroom, in silence, Kurt holding the fragile girl in his arms, not saying anything. Santana wasn't ready to talk and Kurt wasn't going to push her. The only thing he could do now was be right here.

The front door to the Hummel/Hudson house slammed shut. Finn flinched knowing exactly who it was. Kurt stood in the entry way to the living room where Sam and Finn were playing Halo on the Xbox-360.

"Sam can I talk to my brother alone for a minute please" Kurt asked overly polite.

"Sure no problem, I'll be in your room Finn" Sam said quickly as he dropped the controller, bounded up from the couch and took the stairs two at a time, wanting to get away from the obvious tension. As soon as he heard the door to his bedroom close Finn opened his mouth.

"Look dude, I know what your gonna say but..." Kurt held his finger up and Finn stopped talking.

"What you did was absolutely repugnant"

"Look you weren't there okay?" Finn shouted, standing up from the couch. You didn't hear the things she was calling me. You didn't see her, hear how she called called me fat, and lazy and what the hell does repugnant mean?" Kurt had to compose himself.

"First of all, I don't care if she called you the whore of babylon, you still shouldn't have done it. You want to know what I saw? I saw a girl whose terrified. I saw a girl who was so scared she literally gave herself a panic attack. I had to hold her in my arms for a hour to calm her down. I saw a girl who was scared shitless"

"Look I just wanted her to stop okay? I didn't mean to it just...happened" Finn slipping his fingers through his hair, frustrated.

"You still don't get it do you?" Kurt asked quietly

"You still have no idea the damage you could have done. Did you know 40% of homeless youth are LGBT? You literally could have gotten her kicked out of her house or worse sent to some "therapy" program" Kurt raised his voice advancing towards Finn.

"You think feminine gay guys are the only one's who get bashed? Did you know there was literally a fucking bomb threat on Ellen's studio when she was filming her coming out episode? Did you know any of that Finn? Does any of that matter to you?"

"Look I am really sorry but none of the those things would have happened to her" Finn protested.

"Why, because she is a pretty gay girl with long hair?" Kurt spat back.

"No!" Finn yelled

"Because she's Santana!" Kurt really could not even look at Finn anymore.

"THATS NOT THE POINT FINN" Kurt yelled back.

"The point is that you took something away from her today. You took one of the most intimate and most vulnerable parts of someone and threw it out on the ground for everyone to see. Most of all you took away her control. Her control to come out when and how she wanted. She won't ever get that back. Kurt paused and rubbed his temple to ease the headache he was getting. "

"Look I'm not defending the things she said to you. They were wrong, but what you did..." Kurt paused, trying to find the simplest way to explain the seriousness of what he had done.

"People don't get thrown out of there homes for being fat Finn. People don't get killed for being lazy. You do for being gay and that is something that you will never, NEVER, understand. Kurt than turns on his heal scrambles up the staircase and slams the door to his room shut, leaving Finn to contemplate what he had said.


End file.
